Thursday, December 2, 2010

The Lonely Journey of Grief, Part 4 of 15

IDEA: Grief is experienced in stages, and it helps the helpers if they understand those stages.

PURPOSE: To help listeners help others as they grieve.

Counselors, researchers, and pastors have tried to give us handles for understanding the phases or stages of grief through which the bereaved pass. Granger Westberg writes about ten stages; Cohn Parks writes about only three. Kathleen Smith titles her book The Stages of Sorrow but speaks of these not as progressive stages but as facets of a more complex experience.

But all counselors, researchers, and pastors agree that when the death of a loved one occurs (whether it is expected or shatteringly sudden), the first days form what Haddon Robinson calls the crisis stage, the initial period from receiving news of the death up through the funeral.

What happens in the crisis stage? The initial shock.

The shock stage may last anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours to a few days. (If it goes on for some weeks, professional help should be sought.)

Often we cannot believe what has happened.

“I knew he was dead. I could talk about it—tell people. I saw him in the coffin. I saw the coffin go into the grave. But I felt it was just a dream.”

If death comes suddenly, it hits like a hammer blow. Instinctively, people may deny death. “Oh, no!” they exclaim because they cannot take it in. Shock builds an insulation between us and reality which is not removed until we are ready to accept the reality.

“It’s like a double-glazed window between you and everything. You can see what’s going on and you manage to do most of the right things, but you’re not part of it.” During this period of shock, some bereaved people conduct their lives with amazing efficiency and energy. The truth is that the shock has been so great that the feelings have had to be numbed so that the person survives. It is a protection to their owner that only gradually are the emotions revived out of this anesthesia. Christians sometimes mistake this temporary anesthesia for a serene faith, when it is merely a temporary escape from reality which sooner or later must break down.

How to help people grieve in this crisis stage:

Be there to help physically.

Does the grieving one need help with baby-sitting, phone calls, food, laundry, errands, transportation or a thousand other details of living? At the same time, recognize that it is therapeutic to keep fairly busy and continue to carry on as much as possible during the crisis period. Don’t take over completely for a grieving person. This can hinder the grief process, requiring a longer recovery. The sooner a person has to deal with the immediate problems and make decisions, the better.

Be there to listen.

Not only lend a hand, but give an attentive ear. Encourage people to speak about the dead. A good listener gives the grief sufferer permission to express thoughts and feelings by asking, “Tell me how things are” or “Would you like to talk about it?” Grieving people need to talk because it is a means of accepting the reality of what has happened.

It is a loving act to listen thoughtfully even to details related again and again.

Encourage, don’t discourage tears.

Many people react to others’ tears by shying away. But tears are the body’s means of relieving pressure on the heart when stressed by great emotion. Tears are far healthier than repressed emotion.

Offer silence when the grieving person needs a silent presence.

Don’t force conversation that isn’t wanted. We are tempted to talk too much and listen too little because we’re uncomfortable with grief. We feel we ought to say something. Christians often feel that they must say something Christian: “She is at home with the Lord.” “Jim is better off in heaven.” These platitudes may be true, but they seldom provide much comfort.